Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
