im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
