apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
