just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
