I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
