Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
