i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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