I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think my moral compass just broke
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
