The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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