The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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