im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
