I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
