the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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