He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
