Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
