If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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