I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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