I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
