Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
They have beer where we have blood.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
