Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
