i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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