I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
