you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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