My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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