im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
