Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
