Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
