I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
