i permit you to call me
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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