I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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