I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
