k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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