I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
