If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
