What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
