Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
