Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
