Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
