News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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