why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
