I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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