did you get engaged???
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
