I just pynch a tree in the face
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
