I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
