We named our party play list daddy issues
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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