It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
