Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
