Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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