i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
