This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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