you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
